My relationship with discipline is complicated.
In one season of life, I viewed myself as extremely disciplined, and I was incredibly proud of it. I never missed a workout. I rigidly stuck to my budget—even when I knew my paycheck was landing the next day and I could easily afford the Chipotle burrito I wanted. I forced myself to wait simply because I had told myself I would. Looking back, I have to ask: was I actually disciplined, or was I just a control freak?
Then, the pendulum swung completely. In a later season, I had to let it all go and went in the exact opposite direction. If my body didn’t feel like working out in the moment, I couldn’t force myself to do it. A little voice in the back of my mind would whisper, “Oooo, maybe you’d feel better after,” but I was so stubborn about not forcing myself to do anything anymore that I just didn't.
Can I just be disciplined-ish?
Is it possible to choose structure only when it actually serves me? What if, instead of operating on autopilot control or rebellion, I just pause, check in with myself, and ask: “Hmm, is this actually what I want to do right now?”
I think I am finding my way to be disciplined with intention. I am learning how to find my own sweet spot—where structure meets self-awareness, and where I have the freedom to choose what I actually need in the moment.
Maybe that's a real thing. I think it is.
